ask granny lee title
 
 

Granny Lee has "seen it all" and "done it all". Who could be better to help you out of a tight, dodgy spot in life? Through a medium, Granny Lee will answer all your questions about love, life and toothless oral sex with all the wit and wisdom she can muster from the grave.

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Dear Granny

I saw your documentary, and I think you were the best (still are), but I want to know, I have pledged money, I got all my friends to pledge. I even got the people from my chat rooms and gay internet clubs promising they will ...what more can I do to help???

All my love
A True Fan

GRANNY'S ANSWER: Now all I hear from you is all talk but no action. Is that money in the bank yet? Ha! I know you bitches... I'll never see that money, I can tell you. Go on, prove me wrong. I'm waiting! And if you want to know what else you can do for a lady like me then you can just remember me. Always think of me and thats all.It will make my heart warm forever.


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Hey there Granny,

Your story have touched me deeply. I am so grateful that the program have been re-broadcasted, so that my friend could also see it. He also loved it. We spoke of your remarkable story, and I told him that there is that something in me that wants to visit your grave, and he told me he felt it too. He said it might be that we need somebody like you in our lives. I will be at the un-veiling of your tombstone!!

I am totally in love with my friend, since he told me that he is gay, but doesn't seem to love me like I love him. However, I do believe that we will be together someday, even if it's the last thing I do. How I will do it, I don't know!!! That's what I would like to know from you. But don't tell me that I should just whip it out, cause I think that he fear that I will do it. If he changes clothes, he always goes to another room, and when I change clothes, he also leaves the room. I just want to make him happy, he have such a difficult live.

I don't want to pressure him, and I don't want our relationship started with sex. Call me what you like. You had your believes, and so do I have mine.

Love,
(One of your Million Grandsons)
DD

GRANNY'S ANSWER: What a lady like me has learnt in this world is that life isn't easy. It's hard and people are hard. Very hard. That is what I believe, truly. If the little whore doesn't know what is good for him then that is his great loss. You can't make some stupid bitch love you. And that is the truth. I know you young things all think with your cocks but listen to your mother and drop the whore - no matter how pretty he may be. Remember there's plenty of randy fishes out there waiting to be caught. Believe me I know because I caught them all in my time! Every single one.


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Dear Granny Lee

How were you able to be so consistently successful in getting strangers to buy you drinks each time you were on the Town? Any tips will be most appreciated!

Limited Funds

GRANNY'S ANSWER: It's all about balls sweety. If you don't have them you don't get fuckall in this world, believe you me, I know. What I always believed is that I deserved everything I got given. You must demand it like you were born to it and the world will believe you. The secret is I am a star. Everyone knows it. You want free drinks? Be a star!

 

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Dear Granny-Lee

How does a girl approach a guy that she's interested in, in a club or bar? Girls these days can't hang around and wait to be approached by guys, we have to make moves as well. But how? We're not as used to it as guys.
Also, how do you make yourself more approachable? Guys tend to be intimidated by me...

GRANNY'S ANSWER: You silly thing. They like to be intimidated! You're not doing it enough - not like you really mean it. That is the problem with the women today. You got to give it to them like they've never gotten it! A man is just a boy in grown up clothes. Be their mother and don't take any shit and they'll treat you like a fucking queen. They will come flocking to you.

 

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Dear Granny

My lover lives in the Cape, I in joburg. We have sex only once a month when I'm in Cape Town. Problem is, I need more than this though I love him... What must I do?

Long distance tart

GRANNY'S ANSWER: What else is there to do but have a ball! After all while the cat's away… What the bitch doesn't know won't hurt him. I can always hook you up with a rent or two to keep you amused. Enjoy yourself everyday (like I did, and only the best) and fill up with true love once a month. Isn't life easy?

 

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Dear Granny

I wonder if it is true that in the early eighties you burnt your mouth because you were drunk and gave a Beetle a blow job?

Dirck (skyline/Together bar - barman)

GRANNY'S ANSWER: Dirck you old bitch! What gutter did you crawl from to antagonise me? Are you still as pretty a thing as you were then? Of course it's true! And believe me that Beetle never had it so good!

 

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Hello Granny Lee

I'm e-posting you regarding the possibility of writing a screenplay for a movie about your life. I'm not joking. I would so much like to write your story. If not for a feature length movie then perhaps a documentary of mini series ?. I feel that, if correctly treated, the story will have much to offer other South Africans and people around the world... Please consider my proposal.

filmmaker

GRANNY'S ANSWER: You silly, silly boy. If you had read my website properly (what do they teach you pretty things these days in school?) you would have realised that it was not only in aid of my much deserved fame and glory but also for a documentary on my life. It's called Metamorphosis. A feature film about me has already been made once upon a time, but I much prefer this fabulous documentary. It's a fucking good program, I tell you. Anyone that doesn't agree is just a jealous bitch. By the way, ARE you a pretty thing? Send Granny a picture (yes we do have e-mail here, in this other hemisphere). My goodness if I'd had this Internet thing in my day, we would have had a ball (not that I didn't anyway) love Granny

 

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Dear Granny.

My boyfriend insists that we have sex every night. He says what's the point of having a girlfriend otherwise? The thing is I don't really find sex very interesting. I'd much rather read a Stephen King than go through all that mess. What should I do?

Frigid Bookworm

GRANNY'S ANSWER: What should YOU do? It's what he should do - Dump you immediately! Darling, if you want to keep your man then stop reading. It rots the mind. Men think about sex all the time - it's their reason for existence - they're all repressed male whores (Trust me sweetie I know.) Alternatively try going out with a librarian (he'll probably be gay and always have lots to read).

 

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Dear Granny

I'm in love with my best friend. But we're both men and our girlfriends don't know that I'd like to shag him. He keeps looking at me funny when our girls aren't around and when he was riding behind me on my bike, I swear I could feel a woody against my back. Help me!

Hell's Angel

GRANNY'S ANSWER: God, you poor-white moffies antagonise me. If its not one thing it's the next. Bitch, bitch, bitch! The answer is simple, get your boy out of his leather pants and give him a good riding. Don't tell your bitches - they'd rather not know anyway and besides even randy boys need someone to cook and clean.

 

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Dear Granny

How big is big? I'm a black bi boy who prefers girls. But girls always get a fright when they see it out my pants and run screaming. On the other hand, the boys seem to love it. The problem is I can only get boys to sleep with me. Is there anything I can do? Will any woman want me?

Too big

GRANNY'S ANSWER: Being dead has its drawbacks.

 

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Dear Granny

I always seem to have a problem peeling my boiled eggs. I can never get the shell off without ripping out some of the white. Any tips or suggestions?

Water Burner

GRANNY'S ANSWER: What ARE they teaching young ladies in school these days? Sweetie, its simple. As soon as you've finished boiling your eggs (around five minutes, but remember boiling time depends on altitude) then plunge them into ice-cold water. Bob's your uncle.

 

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Dear Granny

I'm a girl who loves to masturbate. I do it all the time - even at work. I don't have a boyfriend and I don't know if I want one. My friends are worried about me as I'm becoming less social. I seem to have found all the happiness I need with my hands (and the occasional domestic appliance).

Smelly Hands

GRANNY'S ANSWER: Listen you silly bitch, you've obviously been listening to "I Will Survive" a little too much. Soon you'll be a feminist. We may all say that we'll survive to scare them a little, but we need men dammit! (Or failing, that at least a lesbian with high testosterone levels and rough hands). Live by this and be happy: "No man is an island". Next?

 

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E-mail your questions to Granny at: askgranny@underdog.co.za

\Granny Lee in Fur

Featuring Donna Summer, Bee Gee's, Gloria Gaynor, Chic, Blondie and more!
© Underdog Entertainment 2000